Note from Conrad: Every library contains a secret door that leads to the Great Library of the multiverse which contains the Books of Evil, Good, and Neutrality, and the nonexistent Book of Anti-Neutrality. Because the Book of Evil tells about how to become an ultimate evil god in five easy steps, Anisa and I don't want anyone reading it. (Kyra doesn't really care too much unless it threatens her position.) A perfect example of why this is so is the story of an archangel named Lucifer (known as Satan after the fact) who decided he wanted to rule the Heavens and High Heavens. Anisa and God naturally kicked him out after his little insurrection failed and then, since he tried to take over the Nether Realm, Kyra killed him. Since we didn't want this to happen again, we decided to put a guard at the entrance to the library. Anisa chose Shelley to guard the libraries because Shelley is for some strange reason terrified of books, and thus will never be tempted to read the Book of Evil.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the school not a creature was stirring, not even a mule, but then out of nowhere there arose such an awful noise. A car had slammed on its breaks and swerved to miss a boy. (Another note from Conrad: Actually, the driver had pressed on the gas and had not swerved, but that doesn't rhyme.) I looked out of the window to see what was there only to see that a**hole Elaphe had killed poor David. I, Shelley, Goddess of Depression and Guardian of Libraries, have seen much sadness, but this made me furious. David was the only mortal I had ever loved and now he was up in Heaven where I could only see him on my days off. Oh well, at least he's not in the Nether Realm or Hell, so I can still see him and we can live semi-happily ever after. But there will be ten minutes in which I will be absolutely inconsolable.
I ran outside to catch Elaphe so I could give him a slow and painful death, but I couldn't find him. So I kicked over some trash cans and blasted a few more craters on the moon. (Note from Conrad: For some reason, when we gods are angry, we blast apart mountains and make new craters on the moon. Anisa, with all the work she has to do, has gotten it down to a science; that's why she never goes on a killing spree.) Then I went back inside the school. I looked down the hallway to the library (uhh, shiver) and thought I saw Elaphe. Most of my friends know I can't see five feet in front of me - Anisa forgot to fix my eyesight when she made me a goddess - so this can be a problem. Anyway, I, thinking that it was Elaphe, used my super goddess powers and threw a fireball at him. Then I realized my mistake. That was NOT Elaphe; it was Conrad! Oh sh*t, I was in trouble now, I pissed Conrad off.
So we started fighting and doing weird moves like Sailor Moon, the Powerpuff Girls, and those guys from the movie The Matrix. The scary thing was that we were fighting in front of the library! I hate those things, there's too much education and too much quiet.
I was about to do a kickbox thing at Conrad's head when Elaphe came out from behind a corner and started laughing at me. When I turned around to send that weasel back down to Barney, Conrad threw a wind blast thing and made me crash right through the library window. I couldn't believe it! Virtually my only weakness was the library and so I was doomed. I had only about three seconds to look around in fear, then turned to dust and disappeared. Who cares. At least I'll be with David again.