There once was a spider named Ned. Ned the Spider. One day, Ned decided to spin a web, for he lived in a toothpick house near an anthill. "But I got a crippled leg in the fourth Spider War," he said to himself. "And I can't spin with a crippled leg!" So Ned decided to go and stay in the thimble under the downspout until a solution to his problem could be obtained.
Upon reaching the thimble, Ned came face to face with the current owner, Thames the Cricket. "Oi, I say," the cricket declared, "a visitor right in time for tea!"
Ned was extremely upset, but couldn't find it in his heart to refuse. "I'll stay for tea," he said resignedly.
The two feasted on tea and acorn crumpets. Turns out, old Thames was preparing to leave the thimble home. "Back to jolly old England, old boy," the cricket said joyfully. "Bloody place 'ere is too wet for me."
Ned was overjoyed. "Would you mind if I moved in?"
Thames eyed him critically. "Pardon me for saying so, my good spider, but shouldn't you be living in a web?"
Ned frowned sadly. "I can't spin," he said dejectedly. He grimly spun the story of his crippling in the fourth Spider War, carefully omitting the aardvark and water buffalo from the story in fear of disgusting the proper cricket.
"Terribly sorry, old bean," Thames sympathized. "Perhaps you belong in the Spiders' Veterans' Home."
"Where can I find such a wonderful place?" Ned asked excitedly.
"At the top of the downspout," Thames replied. "It's a lovely home, and so near the Gutter River!"
Ned suddenly felt like the Home wasn't such a good idea. "The downspout?" he asked nervously. It was often called Spider Plummet, as it was notorious for sending spiders to their death.
Thames nodded slowly, seeing Ned's fear. "It's a jolly good time," he said hastily.
Ned walked out of the thimble and eyed the downspout. "It--it's not so tall," he said, his voice shaking only slightly. He turned to the cricket. "Thanks for tea."
"The pleasure was mine, old chap." With a wave, the cricket went back into the thimble.
Ned walked over to the bottom of the spout. He swallowed in fear and began to climb. Higher and higher Ned went, holding precariously to the spout as his bad leg tripped up the leg behind it as it dragged lifelessly. After a tedious journey, Ned arrived at Spider Paradise.
Long legged spider-girls in skimpy bikinis were lounging by the Gutter River, sipping Bloodyflys. Near the matchbox cabana, Daddy Long Legs and the Spinners were singing their hit "Do you really want to squash me?" It was like "Lifestyles of Rich and Famous Spiders."
One of the bikinied spider-girls sauntered coyly up to Ned, eyeing him with amusement. "Honey, why did you come up the waterspout?"
"To get to the top," Ned gasped out, clutching a stitch in his side as he gasped for breath. "I almost got washed out."
"Why didn't you take the elevators?" the spider-girl asked, perplexed but amused. She pointed a leg over his shoulder.
Ned glanced behind him. There stood the elevator, beginning its descent to the earth below. Ned, partly from exhaustion and partially from exasperation, almost fell down the waterspout again.